I walked out into a small clearing just off the large shadow cast by my favorite old man of a live oak. Stepping out into the warming rays I felt a deep sense of connection. I was a part of the sun and it a part of me. I have been reading about cosmology lately and the nature of the universe. It has caused me to consider that this ball of burning hydrogen is so much more than a ubiquitous life giving light that, like so much, we hardly notice day by day, as life slips by. I have also come to be passionately obsessed with camp fires in recent years. Relaxing beside them with a mug of tea staring into the flame and embers brings me a sense of calm and grounding that’s hard to match. The idea that on this cool winter day, the sun was essentially the same phenomenon and yet 93 million miles away was pleasing to me. The distant and mundane made warm and sacred.
A Return to Pretty Up the Picture
It's been a little over a month now since I have re-connected to my hometown groove and the pace of mid sized city life in Austin. Going to my workshop feels like a favorite old pair of well worn jeans and though it was a bit stressful in the beginning getting re-grounded here, I must say things are better than ever. I have been guilty of being rushed and ungrounded over the past couple of years in my shop, feeling a little to overwhelmed and busy to make small and sometimes larger adjustments that I know will be better for the flow of the work space as well improve some aspect of production or just the general use of the shop.
This type of refusal to fix what isn’t serving me well is pretty typical. It seems to be a mixture of procrastination and denial both of which have a connection to some fear lying underneath. I wrote a lot about fear in a recent post and so though don’t mean to harp, it is something that is at the core of so much and it seems worthy of discussion, especially in this particular context.
Yeah it was just very apparent to me after my return from Colorado that there was some maintenance, cleaning and sensible rearrangement that needed to happen. I think one of the reasons I was able to see this so clearly was because of the rest, renewal and the change of scenery the summer had afforded me. I think its so easy to get in a space where though I know I need to repair that tool, sharpen those knives, clean out that cluttered storage space or whatever it is that greatly improves things, I instead have an internal voice that says push past that thought, we don’t have time for that, there are more important things to do. Its a short sighted focus on achieving some goal that lies in the not too distant future such as getting a project out the door or a run of product to completion. It strikes me that, as with my last blog post, this issue not only relates to fear but also to being present or the refusal to being so in this case. Whenever I notice there is a problem with a system in my space, instead of being present with that fact and dealing with it in the present moment, I allow fear to put it off. This is really most unfortunate and honestly just sad when I really think about it. I say this because what typically happens when I allow observed dysfunction in my life to persist, is it usually tends to breed even more dysfunction which then creates, you guessed it, more fear. It’s such a self perpetuating cycle that can sometimes be hard to see when you’re embroiled in all that there is to manage in life. If I’m not taking care of myself by eating well and getting rest or connections with others, it only seems to make the above scenario more likely and or hard to be aware of.
Heading into my busiest time of the year, what I often refer to as the vortex, it’s more important than ever to notice this stuff and by writing about it here hopefully it helps me sink it deeper into my neural pathways so it just becomes part of the circuitry. Like most things of this nature, though I receive the most direct benefit, it ultimately trickles out into my life and hopefully adds to the bigger picture. Here’s to making a pretty one.
Dreams, Fears, and Other Ponderings Along the Way
Enjoying another morning in Boulder trying my best to savor it as my time here is coming to a close. I returned a few days ago from doing Renegade Craft Fair Chicago. It really could not have gone better on so many levels. I just love that city so much. It helps that the weather was pretty much flawless, sunny and 70’s, the sales were great and the friends putting me up the kind of people that raise the bar for how to be awesome humans all around. I wish I could have stayed a few days more but with the marathon solo drive back and the jag of orders on the docket, I decided it best to do a quick turnaround on Monday and head back.
It’s been a good reflective summer and I feel so lucky to have had the opportunity to make work in such beautiful surroundings with ideal weather and time write and meditate on where I am. It has run the gamut a bit as even moments of doubt and fear have crept into my mind at times over a summer filled mostly with inspiration and encouragement. The best part is I feel like I’ve locked into a vision of what I truly want to be doing. Not that it’s radically different from what’s been in my sights for years but really a refinement of things that I think is powerful.
My ex-mother in-law (double hyphen!) use to say the universe will give you what you want but you need to know exactly what that is and be clear about it. I more or less believe this is true. And for someone who tends to over think things and look at ten sides of any issue, getting real clarity on something so important can be a bit fear inducing. I think my biggest struggle, other than arguing for my limitations which I’m a master at, is feeling overwhelmed with all that there is to do to achieve my dreams. I often think if I only had the people and the resource ($) to work with I’d be jamming on more than 8 cylinders. But how do I get from here to there? This is not a new question and I’ve seen the answer play itself out in my career countless times so the only reason I feel reluctant to grab onto it is because of fear. Fear. It is the biggest ball breaker of all and the one thing that drives so much human behavior, decision and indecision. The answer I believe lies in an area filled with the typical duality of life. As crucial as it is to lock onto a well focused idea of where I want to be, it is equally important that I place this big picture in the foreground and focus on not only today, but this very moment. When pushing forward minute by minute, not knowing exactly how things will play out but trusting that if I show up in a healthy and consistent way, and remain curious and open, as opposed to anxiety ridden, about how life will unfold, I have found there is a flow and grace to the world that is undeniable. This successful way of operating in my life works on two fronts. Not only does my deepest intuition tell me this is the best way to journey to any given destination because it’s the smoothest distance between two points, but also the sweetest. The quality of living on planet earth improves immensely when I appreciate the awesomeness of the day and all there is to experience along the way.
It’s just such a crazy irony that as important as it is to have a goal, the idea that it’s going to full fill me and bring lasting happiness is the oldest trick in the book and yet believing that seems to be a major part of being a modern human. I write these words in an effort to figure this stuff out for myself and as always, to be reminded. I always come upon the same beacons of truth again and again. As impossible as it is to stomp out fear in my life in a complete and final way, it is equally futile to believe the lessons I learn will remain firmly in place. Like the maintenance required on all the systems, in my experience, the mind is no different.
I feel grateful I have had the time to think all this over and put it out into the world. Though it’s the self centered meandering of my thoughts, this stuff seems pretty universal and if by connecting here you found any hope or help, that may be coolest piece of this crazy puzzle.